Me vs ED.

I remember my 7 year old self,

Sitting alone in my backyard, with my book and pen, day dreaming,  songwriting, and making up tunes. Somehow in my heart I always knew I would someday be singing my songs for you. I  didn’t know how, but I just knew, it was a calling .

I was so young but I could see it clearly. The stage, the microphones, musicians and the people’s faces smiling and sharing it all with me.

30 years later and I’m still pursuing my dreams.

They say you know it’s a true calling on your life when you’ve never let the feelings go. My dreams are ageless and nothing of this world has taken them away from me.

It’s the in between, then and now, that took a while. My dreams and ambitions stifled. Put on the back burner as I battled my demons.  Although, I have learned, that the work has to be done in you, before you can go out there and hope to be a blessing to others.

I was distracted by “Ed ” my eating disorder, for most of my life.

I met him in grade four,

the day my teacher told me I could no longer wear my gym shorts because they were tight and the boys were laughing.

Ed encouraged me to go on a diet. I didn’t listen to him at that age. It would be later on- like when every comment ever made about me was about my weight.

It was the day I gave up playing my cello because we had to wear pants in class, and only skirts fit my body.

It was the night of prom. No dress that fit, no date that asked,

Home alone with Ed.

Ed was always screaming at me to lose weight. That’s when it all started, the day I gave in to him.  The dieting the excersise the pills and scales.

The day I lost myself,  was the day I began hardcore dieting with Ed, my faithful companion.

He told me No one would ever want to see a fat singer. That before I would even attempt performing, I would follow his rules.

Go to bed hungry, dream hungry, wake up hungry.

The world would care more about my image and appearance than my songs and script.

Starving worked, I got skinny initially, and spent thirty years fighting food to stay that way, but where did my dreams fit in? How could I ever focus on them when I never felt good enough.

Diet and hunger was painful

Binge eating was painful

Over excersing and purging was painful,

so when did I feel good???

Almost never! I managed and coped in life but I felt depressed and alone.

Every day getting dressed felt like I was putting a costume on. Like my life was a  “red carpet” that I had to walk down in perfect posture, perfect smile, and figure. That meant putting the big mess inside of me away, while people were around, and then going home to Ed at night. I needed him now.

My dreams were too exhausting to pursue, I never felt worthy and I was beat up inside. Every time I tried to pursue my music and got rejected, Ed always told me it was because of my size. That I was dumpy on stage, I just didn’t look right.

Somehow I found the courage to fight for myself and identified my needs against Eds needs. I found a book titled Never Binge Again by Glen Livingston, it changed my life.

Ed didn’t like  this but I kept fighting for me!

If you read my previous blog –

three meals a day

You  will know what worked for me personally and how I recovered.

I established a food plan that didn’t starve or hurt me. I chose it, committed to it and protected it with all my might!

Fast forward to now…. I’m finally releasing my two songs!!!! That took me thirty years to write lol

Red carpet drive is the song about where I was …

Blue Rain is the song about where I am now.

I have recovered and I am not allowing those years and painful memories to be considered a waste of time. Every hurt, pain rejection and triumph went into my songs. My heart blown wide open because I defeated the biggest monster you can imagine!  A Fire breathing dragon that fought me tooth and nail, larger than me, larger than life and I WON!!!!!

I need to share this with you. I need to let the world know that I’m a winner and my songs prove it!

Ed did not take my dreams away. Nothing of this world could take my dreams away and I know I’m my soul there is a need in the world for them.

In Red Carpet Drive I acknowledge perfectionism is as much of an illness as any other, I admit, express it and let it go.

And  by sharing it, I feel it will be the last time I suffer alone.

Blue rain

Was promising myself a full recovery.  Rising  above the fears and doubts.

The peaceful relationship I have with myself, my food, my dreams and my body. Spirit and higher power.

It’s calling to mind what my heart is dreaming for and going for it. Not afraid of judgement or rejection.
I put myself out there even though ed told me I couldn’t!

I did it for me!

I made a promise to myself and I kept it!!!!!

What are you promising yourself?

To download my songs or learn more please visit

Love Niki

Author: mylovingandleavinged

Advocate, Singer, Producer, “ED” eating disorder survivor. Niki Policelli is the writer producer and performer of her own, one woman musical titled "Loving & Leaving ED.” A musical/narrative which tells the story of a young girl who struggled, battled and finally defeated "ED" her eating disorder. Niki has been performing and speaking in an effort to raise awareness towards mental health and wellness initiatives. About to release her two original songs, Blue Rain and Red Carpet Drive, Nikki is a perfect guest speaker or singer /performer, guaranteed to add music and reflection to any event she is invited to be a part of. For more information please visit

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