Why such a sad song? Red Carpet Drive …

Aside from my mental wellness musical titled “Loving & Leaving Ed”

I have released two songs that I have co- written with Peter Rosetti,

All in an effort to raise awareness toward mental health initiatives.

The first song Red Carpet Drive is a very sad song.

Some have questioned why I would even release something so deep and sad and personal.

They cautioned me and told me to focus on my positive song Blue Rain and keep my sad song to myself!

Isn’t this the point? Can’t they see the point!

Don’t We always keep the sadness to ourselves. ?

We put the makeup, clothes and bright smiles on every day but keep the sadness to ourselves!

I need to express that there was pain there!

I need to be a voice for people’s sadness because they are keeping it to themselves…

Do you often feeling alone, misunderstood or unrecognized?

I want to share it with you, with anyone who needs to know I undersatand and truly care.

I have felt alone so many times,

Buried and suffocated by my eating disorder.

I want people to know that when they listen to Red Carpet Drive, they are sharing this with me.

Red Carpet Drive was not designed for radio. It was designed for outreach and to break the illusion that we need to live life Red Carpet Ready.

Eating Disorders, anxiety, depression, and mental illness can be very lonely!

It doesn’t have to be.

But we have to talk about it…

Let it out so we can let it go….

We can celebrate with my song Blue Rain also, however,  can we look at the sadness, feel our feelings and let them go , together with Red Carpet Drive …?

Baby steps, one day at a time…

Love Niki

Lovingandleavinged.com

Eating Disorder Recovery…. “Loving & Leaving ED”

Good morning out there!

I hope my message finds you well.

As many of you know I am a singer, and the producer of my musical titled “Loving & Leaving Ed”.

I am also an eating disorder survivor with a story to tell…

Lovingandleavinged.com

I just wanted to address something that has come up for me many times this week.

IF, in fact my show can actually help someone out there.

Though this one woman had never seen my show, she had a very strong opinion.

” I am very self conscious. I do not go the cottage with friends because I do not wear shorts or tank tops or swim wear. I backed out of a family wedding because nothing fit and I felt embarrassed to face people who haven’t seen me in years! I don’t want intimacy because I’m ashamed of my flabby tummy and sagging breasts. YOUR SHOW IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE THAT!!!!

Have you had similar thoughts?

Is your Eating Disorder having you believe that your life is meant to be lived In shame and self conscious?

Do you believe everyone is comfortable and confident and you are the only one who feels so depressed, socially anxious and left behind?

I had felt this way my entire life because I didn’t see a way out.

Until I realized, those were thoughts and my thoughts were in my control, and my mental wellbeing was up to me!

The day came where I didn’t want to feel this way anymore! I wanted freedom to live and find relief but I had no idea how.

How?

I was completely buried and lost in negative self talk and self loathing and hiding!

But I wanted to get better,

I didn’t know how, I wasn’t even ready but I was willing to beat my eating disorder.

My mental health musical tells this whole story. My eating disorder was just a manifestation of a mental Illness and I needed to acknowledge that.

My musical shares my experience with ED but touches on many others!

What are you believing?

Do you feel so lost and alone?

My show shares your story and also offers resources of who to call and where to go if you decide to talk about your self esteem issues.

“Loving & Leaving ED” also hilites the importance of listening to someone battling disordered eating and negative body image issues. Your listening without judgement could be a crucial piece of someone’s recovery. You are so important!

We all have a hand in the healing circle and we will all benefit.

The secret of an eating disorder doesn’t have to feel so dark, but you have to talk about it..

I am a real life person in front of you with real life help.

My show will help immensely, when you want it to.

So that you can retrain your thoughts about yourself.

Maybe the body will or will not change but your mind will,

How you feel about it will.

I am recovering

Others are recovering

And you will be recovering too!

The minute you decide to.

It’s your choice to live your happy life without Ed.

My show serves as a reminder

That there is hope and you are never alone. Eating disorder

So to this lady I say….

When you are ready to change the way you look at yourself, what you tell yourself and how you want to live,

The Loving & Leaving Ed team is here for you and really wants to be!

Love and blessings,

Niki Policelli

Www.lovingandleavinged.com

Dear teachers, principals and school boards….

Dear Teachers, Principals and School Boards…

As you are probably aware, it is estimated that one out of every four Canadian teenagers has an eating disorder. That means in a typical-sized Peel school, close to 300 students struggle with a dangerous mental health issue that they might not have the tools to battle alone. To remedy this, I have created an educational presentation that takes a different approach to addressing the subject of mental health, with a specific focus on eating disorders and body image issues.

This 45-minute musical presentation is designed to be thought-provoking, relatable and, more importantly – to give students guidance on how to get the help they need. I hope we can work together to provide outreach to our youth, and our community, through the school system.

I am available for booking for the 2018/2019 school year

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Email: nikkipolicelli@hotmail.com

Website:

Lovingandleavinged.com

“Loving and Leaving ED”(eating disorder)

Thought leader, seasoned performer and eating disorder survivor,

Niki Policelli is performing in partnership with individuals and organizations that are working towards mental health awareness.

Every event is a victory, as one more life is touched.

For booking inquiries please contact Niki at

Www.lovingandleavinged.com

My Eating Disorder VS My Songs…Red Carpet Drive & Blue Rain

I remember myself at 7 years old,

Sitting alone in my backyard with my book and pen, day dreaming,  songwriting, and making up tunes. Somehow in my heart I always knew I would get here, singing my songs for you. I  didn’t know how, but I just knew, it was a calling .

I was seven but I could clearly see the stage, the microphones, musicians and the people’s faces. It is as clear as day in my memory.

I’m a grown woman now and still pursuing  this after 30 plus years. They say you know it’s a true calling on your life when you’ve never let the feelings go. My dreams are ageless and nothing of this world has taken them away from me.

It’s the in between, then and now, that took a while. My dreams and ambitions stifled. Put on the back burner as I battled my demons.  Although, I have learned, that the work has to be done in you, before you can go out there and hope to be a blessing to others.

I was distracted by “Ed ” my eating disorder, for most of my life.

I met him in grade four,

the day my teacher told me I could no longer wear my gym shorts because they were tight and the boys were laughing.

Ed encouraged me to go on a diet. I didn’t listen to him at that age. It would be later on- like when every comment ever made about me was about my weight.

It was the day I gave up playing my cello because we had to wear pants in class, and only skirts fit my body.

It was the night of prom. No dress that fit, no date that asked,

Home alone with Ed.

Ed was always screaming at me to lose weight. That’s when it all started, the day I gave in to him.  The dieting the excersise the pills and scales.

The day I lost myself,  was the day I began hardcore dieting with Ed, my faithful companion.

He told me No one would ever want to see a fat singer. That before I would even attempt performing, I would follow his rules.

Go to bed hungry, dream hungry, wake up hungry.

The world would care more about my image and appearance than my songs and script.

Starving worked, I got skinny initially, and spent thirty years fighting food to stay that way, but where did my dreams fit in? How could I ever focus on them when I never felt good enough.

Diet and hunger was painful

Binge eating was painful

Over excersing and purging was painful,

so when did I feel good???

Almost never! I managed and coped in life but I felt depressed and alone.

Every day getting dressed felt like I was putting a costume on. Like my life was a  “red carpet” that I had to walk down in perfect posture, perfect smile, and figure. That meant putting the big mess inside of me away, while people were around, and then going home to Ed at night. I needed him now.

My dreams were too exhausting to pursue, I never felt worthy and I was beat up inside. Every time I tried to pursue my music and got rejected, Ed always told me it was because of my size. That I was dumpy on stage, I just didn’t look right.

Somehow I found the courage to fight for myself and identified my needs against Eds needs. I found a book titled Never Binge Again by Glen Livingston, it changed my life.

Ed didn’t like  this but I kept fighting for me!

If you read my previous blog –

three meals a day

You  will know what worked for me personally and how I recovered.

I established a food plan that didn’t starve or hurt me. I chose it, committed to it and protected it with all my might!

Fast forward to now…. I’m finally releasing my two songs!!!! That took me thirty years to write lol

Red carpet drive is the song about where I was …

Blue Rain is the song about where I am now.

I have recovered and I am not allowing those years and painful memories to be considered a waste of time. Every hurt, pain rejection and triumph went into my songs. My heart blown wide open because I defeated the biggest monster you can imagine!  A Fire breathing dragon that fought me tooth and nail, larger than me, larger than life and I WON!!!!!

I need to share this with you. I need to let the world know that I’m a winner and my songs prove it!

Ed did not take my dreams away. Nothing of this world could take my dreams away and I know I’m my soul there is a need in the world for them.

In Red Carpet Drive I acknowledge perfectionism is as much of an illness as any other, I admit, express it and let it go.

And  by sharing it, I feel it will be the last time I suffer alone.

Blue rain

Was promising myself a full recovery.  Rising  above the fears and doubts.

The peaceful relationship I have with myself, my food, my dreams and my body. Spirit and higher power.

It’s calling to mind what my heart is dreaming for and going for it. Not afraid of judgement or rejection.
I put myself out there even though ed told me I couldn’t!

I did it for me!

I made a promise to myself and I kept it!!!!!

What are you promising yourself?

To download my songs or learn more please visit

Lovingandleavinged.com

Love Niki

Red Carpet Drive 

Two songs that I have co -written together,  to encompass both sides of the story-  from the pain and solace, to the peace I have found…..

RED CARPET DRIVE

“Red Carpet Drive” is a song about an ending. An ending to striving for perfection. the “drive to be “red carpet ” ready.  It was written on the lowest night of my life. I was consumed by an eating disorder and fuelled by perfectionism that had completely taken over. It was taking away my life, my husband, my work, it was confusing my kids and taking over my body and mind. Any person dealing with an addiction or disorder becomes a master at hiding it, so much so that we create two lives that tragically coexist; the person we really are and the actor we portray. Like an actor, we walk down that red carpet that is our life, with perfect posture, a perfect smile, while giving the impression that we have it all together, that we are living a perfect life. However the real me was suffering and couldn’t admit it. By the time I admitted I needed help, no one took me seriously because I had fooled them all. I realized perfectionism was just as much an illness as any other and I needed to acknowledge, admit and let it go.
This song describes how admitting it to myself and others would make it the last time I would suffer this alone. My life is not a red carpet and I’ve let go of the drive to be red carpet ready.
There is only one me. The real me.

To learn more about Niki Policelli please visit

Lovingandleavinged.com